Hmph.

Today began slowly (for me, anyway ... and I will spare you the discussion on the cosmos, space/time and how I probably have no idea how fast or slowly anyone else's day began).

I was tired, so I slept in (which was necessary) ... after swatting away the mosquito buzzing around my head. The I spent some time on the computer (which was largely but not completely unnecessary). Finally got going, had no legs (not literally -- this isn't a NASCAR column) ... Basically, had finally hit a wall (sometimes literally -- or at least literarily).

This trip has been overwhelmingly positive and I have resisted bitching, but a few things have been nagging at me. And seeing as how I was tired and cranky -- only made worse by my bad-aim wandering (not aimless -- I did have a target, just couldn't hit it) -- I figured I'd share.

Things I hate about Italy:

• Charging €4 for a coke -- and an additional fee in some places just to sit down. A couple of glasses of house wine is cheaper, meaning it's easier to get drunk than to get a soda. Wait, why am I complaining about this?

• Lack of street manners. One American tour guide back in Rome joked that Italians have yet to learn about personal space. Guess she wasn't joking. One of my pet peeves anywhere is people with lack of sidewalk etiquette. Say you or you and your friends are taking up the entire sidewalk when someone comes walking the other way. Sure, you may have strength in numbers, but the polite thing to do is for one person to drop back and allow the other to pass.

Doesn't happen here. In fact, most make an art form out of not moving until the last possible second, if at all. Today I became tired of being polite and stopped jumping into the road to avoid people. Don't get me wrong -- I still was moving as far out of the way as possible, but I was staying on the sidewalk.

So people would come by and I would move but stand my ground ... and they either would dodge me at the last second or take a shoulder -- which shook them more off balance than it did me, as I was ready for it (think headbutt). Their reax? No biggie, keep on walking. Guess that's just how they roll.

And I got to be an obnoxious American -- fun!

Along same lines, people can be standing still in sidewalk, blocking everyone's path. I say "scusi... SCUSI."

Nothing.

So I politely tap/move person while wondering how to say, "please get the fuck out of the way" in Italian.

Other examples: not letting people off the metro before you get on, and not moving to giant open spaces on bus or metro to make room for those trying to get on.

All of this stuff happens in NYC, but really not this constantly/to the same extent.

• Gravity. OK, this annoys me everywhere, Italy included. Same with long lines (which I am in now at Uffizi b/c I didn't plan ahead, but this line actually ain't so bad). And people who starve puppies.

• Incomplete directions. Both Rome and Florence do a nice job of posting various signs directing pedestrians to various landmarks. Sort of.

Inevitably, when you get close the signs just vanish. I don't mean they disappear into thin air, as if what once was there is there no longer. That actually would be really awesome. Perhaps even more awesome than the brown pigeons they have here (incidentally, I saw a pigeon using the stairs the other day. Don't you think they'd just fly?).

Rather, the helpful signs are nowhere to be found once you get within a couple blocks of your destination. With signs, two guide books (thanks, Laz -- now can we add vid to expert archives?) and a very good map, I still had a bitch of a time orienting myself today. Which killed my already iffy mood.

• Italian drivers. If I thought about it, I'd probably be in constant fear of being run over. So I don't think about it. Much.

• Tour guides who spend a little too much time proselytizing. Art was heavily influenced by religion, and I totally dig the history, context and meaning. But I already bought a ticket for this tour; that's all you should try to sell me.

• People don't curb their dogs.

OK, that's about it. Today turned out nicely (got into Uffizi and did some other stuff, but more on that later) and my mood improved plenty. Just had to get all that out of my system.

Yes, I do feel better now. Thanks.

Coolest. Thing. Ever.

OK, an overstatement. But the Rocca Maggiore was fascinating and fun. It was bare bones, meaning they didn't add galleries, restore/change a lot. Rather, with the exception of lights, railings, walkways and window panes, the fort basically is as it was centuries ago.

What made it so much fun was that not only were there plenty of tiny and almost hidden stairwells and paths, but that they all were open. Many places like this don't let you roam free. Not the case here.

I actually started laughing out loud each time I found another tiny stairway leading somewhere; most went to archer lookouts -- one of which featured a bird that had nested on the other side of the window, quite literally making it a crow's nest (sniper jargon ... I think).

Anyway, there only were a few signs explaining the history of the place, but enough to get a taste. And it was more about halls that were barely high enough to stand in and stairwells too narrow to turn around (i actually had to back down the steps). Then there were several spiral staircases -- some original stone, one added later. All these led to soldier quarters, bigger rooms, various nooks and crannies (Owen, your head would have exploded), patio-like areas, all the archer lookouts and, best of all, the towers.

The views were outstanding.

The fort already sits atop the hill, and the towers allow for views of Assisi, San Francesco's, etc., and the valley around. The only downer was the drizzly weather, as the haziness limited the view a little. Still, had it been sunny, it might have been 85 degrees -- meaning everyone trying to make the tiring climb up the hill probably would have collapsed on the way.

If you want a lot of art and suits of armor in a castle, this isn't for you. But a well-preserved stone mammoth with fun paths and spectacular views? Ladies and gents, we have a winner.

In fact, I tried to tell the man working in the trailer that passed as a ticket counter that this was a great experience, mostly because they hadn't really messed with it. He couldn't really follow ... And when I said "authentic," it was all over.

FUN FACT: Members of the Franciscan order set up missions in what now is California. Included were San Francisco, Santa Clara (St. Clare's church and tomb also are in Assisi) and, of course, Fontana.

Or maybe LA was that last one.

On the way down the hill I walked through a quieter residential area. As I mentioned in the last entry, the streets, alleys, buildings (and homes) and stairwells were awe-inspiring.

There is shopping and eating here, and also way too many souvenir shops in the main areas. But the charm of this town -- the tomb, the fort, the architecture -- comes from places that haven't really changed over the years, where the locals haven't tried too hard.

On train now on way to Florence. I think/hope. There's really little evidence supporting that claim. If I can learn Italian in the next half-hour, maybe I can figure out where the hell I am.

In the meantime, I'll continue to contemplate whether Indiana Jones really is better than Stegosaurus. That's a tough one.

Tee more martoonis

No wifi here at hostel (wired only) means no post on today's rockin' fortress activities -- at least not until i find wifi tomorrow or install htc's sync software on this computer (the latter ain't happening ... i don't think).

I did stop at one internet cafe here in florence and asked if they had wifi. The guy says "yes, yes." Then he loads up google and does a search for "wai fai."

He had no idea what it was. Great stuff. Needless to say, he was strictly wired -- and maybe a bit unhinged.

So in the meantime, happy cinco de blinco!

The real good news? Assisi is groovy

Sitting in a restaurant in amazing Assisi, enjoying the Italian ambience as the Bangles' "Manic Monday" serenades me ...

Assisi is a day trip between Roma and Firenze, as I planned to only spend about six hours here. So far it has been worth it.

San Francesco's was interesting from a historic and cultural perspective, as many credit the frescos done here -- a popular pilgrimage destination -- with playing a major role in the Renaissance. The tomb (St. Francis of ...) is surrounded by a dark, solemn chapel. Many small photos, presumably of lost loved ones (including pets) are placed by Francis' stone coffin behind the iron bars that surround it.

The frescos play off each other in some instances, and the storytelling within is compelling -- even if one doesn't buy into it, the art and architecture still can be appreciated.

The city itself has been the highlight for me. Surrounded by walls, built on a hill and topped by a fortress, the windy and hilly cobblestone streets are as charming as they are narrow. Perhaps they are lined with a few (dozen) too many gift shops, but like many parts of Rome, simply exploring here has been the payoff. Any American towns planning a downtown area (ahem, Storrs) could use places like Assisi, Rome ... And Annapolis (really) as models.

Sure, tiny cars zip around, but all of these old cities (many Irish towns are the same) were built with pedestrians (and maybe horses) in mind. It's great.

FUN FACT: Francis was known to preach to birds. Either this shows his kindness to all of earth's creatures, or it offers a possible glimpse of the origin of the phrase "for the birds."

As in, Eric Clapton once played for the 'birds. Stretch? I almost went with baseball instead, but for some reason I can't remember whether the Orioles or Cardinals were the right reference. First thought was Paul McCartney, but he played for Wings -- so that wouldn't have made much sense. Not that making sense ever is a prerequisite. Nope, no way.

I tagged along with a Rick Steves tour group for a little while. A woman from Arkansas, after learning I am from the Northeast via LA, suggested I try out the middle states, too. I sensed an Obama-McCain debate brewing, so I kept my mouth shut. Anyway, I'm still being mistaken for Italian -- even after speaking English to my Turkish hostel mates, but the Arkansas woman (who was very friendly) said I reminded her of someone. And being from LA, she and her husband were thinking movie star.

I said, "Yes, I'm Campbell Scott."

She said, "No, I said 'star.' "

Ouch.

OK, that last exchange didn't actually happen. And also, I am producing this blog form a soundstage in Van Nuys.

Still to come: visit to the fortress, one more basilica and more exploring. Then comes the train to Florence.

Oh, the only reason I've been able to write so much here is that Italian meals take f o r e v e r. It's an event, which is great ... Unless you are an impatient American tourist with sights to see and a train to catch.

----------
Managed to find wifi. Will update more later, but must share this: the fortress was awesome. Totally incredible. And this town's streets, stone/brick buildings, alleys, stairwells ... Amazing.

Off to get a train ...

Long, boring blog (you've been warned)

I unexpectedly had a lot of time to kill walking around today, so I decided to video blog instead (vlog?). But the audio quality ain't great, and there's no USB port on this laundromat PC anyway, so text it is.

(This keyboard is infuriating. my excuse for typos -- all the symbols are in different spots.)

So... today's first mission was the Catacombs di San Callisto. The directions were to take the metro to a certain stop and then bus it over there. But upon looking at a map or two, the walk from the metro station to the catacombs didn't seem terrible. So walk I did.

And walk. And walk. And walk some more.

Started out strolling through a mostly residential area. Buildings almost reminded me of Co-Op City in NY. It was very, well, normal -- people walking dogs, kids playing ball in a yard, two women arguing in an intersection after they drove into each other's cars, an old woman being surrounded by pigeons. Pretty standard.

One difference, actually... well, let me start with this: Rome might be the whitest city I've ever been to. The first few days, the only minorities I saw were tourists. Almost everyone else? White Italians (and other tourists).

The ethnic landscape got a little more diverse at the Castle and some of the Plazas when taking the souvenir salesfolk into account ... peddlers and performers, to. And the guy who runs this laundromat is Indian. But today, far away from the city center, the population was far more diverse. No straight-up division; rather, it was a good mix one won't find much of in the city center.

Really, dropping a person in this neighborhood -- they'd never know it is Rome, at least not how we envision it as outsiders.

Anyway, some cramped housing, quiet streets, tiny cars ... and suddenly an enormous, well-constructed church. This theme, along with everyone riding motorcycles or driving tiny cars, was recurring. It's somewhat amazing how many impressive churches are her, especially considering Catholicism -- and Judaism -- was banned here way back when.

So I walked for a while, eventually finding the main road I was looking for. I asked a woman how to get to the Catacombs. She pointed the way, said 20 minute walk.

Not bad.

So I walk a while... maybe 20ish minutes ... and nothing is looking catacomby. If anything, it's looking busier and more commercialized. So I ask a couple other people... they don't understand. At first.

Sometimes the locals have a hard time understanding what I am saying, as I inevitably am mispronouncing words. But some words are similar. Like catacombs.

They couldn't get it. After several attempts, finally: "ah, cat-ah-COOMB-eys."

Really? That difficult?

Anyway, the guy -- who was very nice -- points me up the street, says four lights. I go six. Nothing. I stop at a cafe, where several people speaking little to no English try to help. They say walk 4 kilometers, go under the arch, take a right. Then a woman says to take the bus.

I decide to walk at first, as the bus instructions include a bus number that wasn't even on the sign at the next stop i found. So I walk and walk and walk. Eventually I find the arch and see a road before it. I spend about a half-second wondering if I should take it (yes, foreshadowing), but instead i walk under the arch. and keep going.

I find a police officer. Very helpful, shows me where we are on the map. As I suspected, way past the catacombs. Too far to walk? Yes. Bus is good, but can I get on without ticket and pay on the bus? Cop says no. How about taxi? That'll work. Where to I get one? Don't know. Ciao!

Uh, thanks?

So I walk more, finding an intersection with a couple of in-use cabs. I hang out there, several go by. All in use. Walk several blocks, find a cafe and hotel... with two cabs in front. Empty. Meaning no driver, either.

It is a little past 4 pm at this point. Catacombs close at 5.

Finally a cab comes up. He's open. I hop in. I point to the address and name of place on guide map, he's down with it. So we go. He's listening to a sports station breaking down the day's Serie A soccer action, constantly checking what appear to be betting slips. Each time he pulls the slips down from the sun visor, revealed is a postcard with naked women on it. I decide to refrain from engaging in a philosophical debate around the value of religion as it relates to the catacombs, instead asking what the Milan-Inter score is. He tells me.

We get to catacombs, I am almost expecting it to be closed. Or to suck.

But I do get ticket at 4:30, which is about 3.5 hours, i think, after i left the hostel. I barely make the English tour. The down and dirty: the catacombs are very cool (literally and figuratively). Could have spent way more time there... but the tour was just 30 min... and of just one of the four levels. And our guide preached a little too much.

But the underground burial grounds and worship areas (this all when Catholics were being persecuted for a couple hundred years) were fascinating, and enough was in tact to get a good flavor for what it was like back in the second and third century.

This had the potential to be awesome ... But I couldn't find a comment box.

So ... How to get back. There's a sign to the bus, so I go and ask some fellow yanks waiting there if you can pay on the bus. They say yeah, no prob. Take that, friendly Italian cop! Bus comes, I get on ... And it's so crowded that driver doesn't notice (or care) that I don't have a ticket. This has happened all three bus trips. Metro is better, but bus often is free!

Bus bops around and comes out where? Yep, that road right before the arch. Of course, had I walked that route I would have gotten painfully lost.

Bus to metro, metro to Plaza di Pollo (that's not the name, but a
giant chicken plaza would be groovy), then to Da Vinci exhibit. Basically these people created a bunch of models -- some working -- based on Da Vinci's sketches. The dude was brilliant.

Exhibit was a little quick, but inventions were beyond cool. There's the definitive word on Da Vinci the world has been waiting for. Beyond. Cool.

You're welcome.

FUN FACT: Da Vinci wrote left-handed and backwards, meaning his writing could be read in a mirror. But Tom Hanks already told you that, huh? Damn Gump.

Did I mention that nutella crepes are really good? As is some vanilla/chocolate candy I bought today to avoid collapse. As was the candy my new Turkish hostel-mates gave me ... Before they went out and got McDonald's.

Moral of story? There is good food here. And Owen, not all of it is plain.

Final night in Rome ... Had insanely good pizza. Off to Assisi and then Florence on Monday.

FUN FACT: The toilets here have two different flush buttons with different water pressures assigned to them. Only thing I can figure is you choose based on what you left in the toilet.

Seems wacky yet logical. Bet those wankers at Heathrow never would have thought of it.

And if you can find them ...

I got some good advice before leaving on this trip. Basically, don't worry about missing stuff/sights.

Instead, I'm basically doing the opposite.

Saturday I found myself looking at the map and seeing what was relatively nearby. I hit the sights I wanted to see, but then ended up checking out many others I hadn't considered or even heard of.

On some level it's been quantity over quality, but I'd rather get a taste of many rather than delving deep into a few sights. And I'm coo wit dat.

On the agenda was...

The Vatican/Sistine Chapel/St. Peter's: Signed up for the tour to skip the insane line, got in, they ran out of headsets, so I got a refund and followed along anyway ... Though I lost the group. Twice. The green dots bailed me out.

Lots of art -- much of it very impressive, most of it biblically inspired. The Sistine Chapel, not surprisingly, is amazing. What's even better was how subversive Michelangelo and other artists were, protesting by sneaking various images or poses into their works that the emperors surely would not like.

St. Peter's -- also very impressive. Obviously these sights hold greater meaning for some, but it's easy to appreciate the history and the, well, Mecca-like status (can't think of another way to describe it).

They were setting up for Sunday mass -- thousands of seats. It was barricaded off, but that didn't stop some idiotic tourist from accidentally dropping an empty bottle of Coke Zero (which, at this point, should be sponsoring this blog -- otherwise I might have to try the acqua no gas thing) down the steps, creating more noise than one thought plastic and marble could combine to make.

Oops.

The tour guide said, "The pope is going to be mad at you."

Thankfully, I'm outside his jurisdiction.

At one point he (our guide, not the pope), asked it there were and Americans on the tour. I raised my hand. Referring to a nearby statue that was pointing, he said to me "it's the world's first pull-my-finger statue."

I'm glad Americans are viewed as so high-brow.

FUN FACT: The Vatican, the world's smallest country, has the most reliable postal service and the highest crime rate. Still trying to figure out a "going postal" connection.

Castel Sant'Angelo: As far as castles go (which, if built well, isn't very), this one was a little too museum-y. The older rooms and exteriors were great, but so many others were redone ... They even had a row of rooms dedicated to advertising tourism for different parts of Italy. With TVs showing videos of them as representatives passed out free literature. There also was a bar/café ... Which was nice, but clearly not part of the original. Unless the Romans were waaaaay ahead of their time.

The castle - previously a tomb of sorts for popes -- still was interesting, and offered great views. And apparently there is/was a secret passage from the Vatican to the castle, which would have been great to see. But in all, the English and Irish do their castles a bit better.

Maybe I'm bitter b/c I told myself I was going to go light on souvenirs, but I got suckered outside the castle (though I did negotiate pretty well). Now I have to figure out where/how to carry this stuff.

Then I wandered to Piazza Navona (possibly the caricature capital of the world), the Pantheon (yes, I did have the gelato there -- good stuff), Piazza di Spagna (lots of steps), Mauselo di Augusto (closed for excavation -- which was too bad, as it looked really cool), and finally Piazza del Popolo. And saw a few dozen impressive basilicas along the way.

It's interesting in that many of these must-sees basically turn into hangouts for tourists and Rome's young folk (mostly teens). Going from place to place I walked through central Rome -- winding, narrow cobblestone-like streets, restaurants and shops everywhere, great architecture -- and all very pedestrian-friendly. This is a great place to just bum around -- though my literally bleeding toes weren't too happy.

I finally make it back to the hostel and check into my third different room in as many nights (I knew this was the case going in). This one was a six-bedder. I open the door and for a moment I thought I had stumbled upon an orgy. One couple was cozy on a cot, another was half-naked ...

They actually turned out to be very, very cool. Five of them, from outside Bologna, often vacation together (USA this summer). They spoke just a little English, but enough. Did drinks (beer -- they like Bud! -- wine and limoncello) and dinner (a standard local pasta dish) in the Trastavere, which is great. More cool streets, restaurants tucked away in alleys. This is a fun town -- when not burning or being invaded, of course.

Our Italian friends apparently like The Simspons, The Griffins (Family Guy), Dr. House, Beautiful Housewives (Desperate -- and I think they were butchering the names, though maybe they are different over here), Big Brother, Madonna and Timbaland. And U2. And Justin Timberlake.

Oh, and they also made references to the Goonies and Zoolander. Great stuff. In all, had an absolute blast hanging w/them. Even when I couldn't understand what they were saying, just listening and watching their reactions was entertaining.

Thanks, guys. And go see the Yankees! Or the Mets...

FUN FACT: The pope is catholic.

By the was, this room features a stencil of the A-Team logo and pictures of B.A. Baracus. I have no idea why.

Today, once I finally get moving, will include some catacombs and a Da Vinci exhibit.

Blue Steel will change the world.

If at first ...

Was ready for a pretty long day today after actually getting eight hours sleep last night (actually a fairly normal eight hours -- 1-9ish am), so hopefully the time zone change won't mess with me too much.

Actually hit some communist/Labor Day concert last night. It was wild. Not surprisingly, it seemed more an excuse for the locals to go crazy than anything else -- and that they did. Do communists even smoke weed? And if so, is it state-provided?

The metro station where the concert was being held was closed, so imagine my confusion/frustration when after all the back and forth on multiple trains, I couldn't find one that would stop at the damn station.

I finally figured it out. I'm smart. And still passing for Italian -- until I open my mouth (that's when a little "USA" flag comes out).

Today's itinerary, with commentary ...

*Colosseum: It's amazing how well it's held up over the years, and also sad that so much of it is gone. Incidentally, I saw just one cat.

Russell Crowe's "Gladiator" did a fine job portraying what life was like for gladiators back then. According to our tour guide, at least. I hadn't even planned to take the tour, but I might still be in line if I hadn't.

Really, the architectural and organizational achievement of building and running a massive structure like this is amazing -- as was the compete disregard for life (human and animal) displayed by some emperors.

With all the carnage, they had to constantly pump out incense to overpower the stench of blood, urine and entrails. They apparently also did this back in the day.

FUN FACT: The source of the water used in Rome's aqueduct today is the same source that was pumped into the same aqueduct system 2000 years ago. Of course, all those people are dead now.

*Palatino/Roman Forum/Augustus' pad: The original Roman settlements turned into homes for nobles and eventually Augustus' palace. We also learned, thanks to our North Carolinian tour guide, the origin of the word "fornicate." It was right here. Same root as "forum." Apparently it had something to do with where the prostitutes of the day would advertise their, um, wares.

Damn Heathrow.

The Forum 2000 years ago = Times Square today, according to our guide (insert prostitute joke here). Seems about right. Just as many ruins, fewer pretzels.

They recently opened four very well-preserved rooms in Augustus' casi. Really quite cool. Paint still seemed fresh, you could even smell it. Or maybe that was the guy from Kansas standing next to me.

Our tour guide equated an invite to watch a performance at Augustus' own forum with an invite to a private movie screening at the White House, with the difference being Augustus could chop off your finger (or more) if he didn't like your point of view.

Maybe our tour guide never heard of Guantanamo Bay ...

Anyway, the marble arches were amazing, ill-gotten or not. I saw so many sights that I had no historical background on, but that barely diminished the awe factor.

*Circus Maximus: It's basically just a field/park now, which really is too bad. After all, it essentially was the birthplace of NASCAR.

Incidentally, when walking all around searching for the Circus (no longer quite as) Impressivus, I had to stop myself a couple of times from asking directions how to get to Fortress Maximus.

*Trevi Fountain: I did the coin toss thing, allegedly ensuring a quick return trip to Rome. But one person spent about a minute explaining to her friend that the friend had committed a tourist faux pas. Instead of tossing the coin over the right shoulder with the right hand, our protagonist had tossed with right hand over left shoulder.

Rather than returning to Roma, this apparently means that the girl instead will be mauled by a rabid, cannoli-eating koala. Or something like that. My Italian's a little rusty. Non-existent, actually.

Minutes later, some dude fell in the fountain.

Hours later, I got strange looks as I tried to work shrimp meat out of its shell (there's no shrimp-shelling industry here? Either way, of course I was going to sample the local cuisine. The McDonalds here are much different than in the States). Butterfly effect.

FUN FACT: Gladiators winning 10 fights were freed. Of course, by this time they were badly scarred, half-blind and missing fingers and limbs -- making them well-qualified for new careers as baggage security agents at Heathrow.

By the way, my pocket pc suggests words as I am typing. Each time I type "Heathrow" it suggests "still sucks." Awesome.

Tomorrow's journey: The Vatican. With God as my witness.

"My god, at least," Scott once said. To which I replied, "same guy." Wouldn't matter in Rome, where worshipping multiple gods was the way of life and Christians and Jews were SOL.

DRAINPIPE!